Tuesday, April 11, 2006

What will I hear

There is a constant hum that accompanies being needed. It drowns out the inner vioce. And when the need of you seems to never cease then it's easy to lose touch with your own life, your own need. After sometime the person who faces you in the mirror is a stranger. But you don't have time to think about it. Although sometimes at night right before the joyous bliss of the unconscieness of sleep you can hear the whisper but then its lost.

It's been a very long time since I have had a chance to hear anything but the needs of others. But my break is coming and I'm terrified. Part of me doesn't want to know. I have come to prefer the self deprivation of my exsistace. It's a bit of a numb existence but better than the over emotional gush of who knows what that lies beneath the numb exterior. I feel pulled so tightly by all the other expectations on me that I don't think my fragile balance of an existence has room for such things.

But next week I get to face myself full on. I am actually physically sick when I think about it. I have come to prefer the staus quo. What would the people in my life think if they knew what was going on underneath it all? Mmmmmmm I don't know but I do know it would be bad.